The Chronicles of Crack
by MasochistandSadist
Summary: Masochist: ok this is going to be a series of random oneshots that are compltetly crack, yes I know I can't spell, anway feel free to read or not read, enjoy!it's a christmas present to sadist Sadist: oh joy Masochist: see she loves it!


Masochist: Hello this is a first in the chronicles of crack, I was thinking of all the conversations me and my friends have, and we decided this would be fun. This one is based on a conversation with my gay bestest friend, clark and my friend nacelle who you may have seen sometimes at the beginnings of these. anyway we were sitting down one day and I was on the computer I found this weird thing about devils shit (which is really bad diarrhea) on someone's blog so me and nacelle were laughing and talking about it for about two hours when he started complaining he randomly said he couldn't have sex and here's how that conversation went:

Clark (pouting): I can no longer have sex

Me&nacelle(blinks): um what?

Clark: well I was reading online about health and whatnot because me and josh are always safe and well, I found this thing about—

Nacelle: HOT MAN SMEX!!

Clark: right, anyway it said if you do it too much, your muscles will permanently—

Nacelle: THE MUSCLES IN HIS ANAS!!

Clark: right, where was I?

Me (in shock): permanently

Clark: right, permanently stretched and if they do that your muscles won't be able to hold it in anymore—

Me (confused): hold what?

Nacelle: his shit

Me (blinking rapidly): oh

Clark: yeah so if I ever had to—

Nacelle: GO NUMERO DOS!!

Clark: I'd shit my pants

Me&Nacelle: (laughing hysterically)

Clark: it's not funny, especially since josh is well..he's josh!

Nacelle(still laughing): g-good..Goooood….l-luck-k

Me(still laughing): wi-…th….p-p-pervert!

Clark(annoyed): not funny! This is serious what happens if they're already stretched beyond repair!

Me&Nacelle: (laughing harder)

Masochist: And that was the conversation, after that we thought of naruto put the two together and thought of this complete and utter crack! ENJOY THJE CRACK! TELL YYOUR FRIENDS CRACK IS GOOD!!

Sadist: it's also a drug

Masochist: oh..THEN CRACK IS BAD UNLESS IT'S NARUTO'S CRACK!!

Sadist: idiot

Masochist: ON WITH THE FISRT DOSE OF CRACK!!

Warning/Summary: masochist: ooc-ness, stupidity, bad humor, idiotness, bad grammar and story writing probably, shortness, and slight pervertedness and mentioned oh and language sasu/naru!! Summary: no more sex for sasuke!!

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO BUT I OWN THE CRACK!!...wait..no..not real crack but this story plot of crack type..thing…oh just read it!

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Once upon a time in konoha……………

Sasuke walked in the door whistling and smiling today he would molest his little kitsune into oblivion! His smile grew creepy as he thought of what he was going to do. He opened the door and walked in only to fly back out. What the fuck?! He looked up to see a very pissed naruto

"YOU BASTARD!!" he screamed face full of rage, sasuke stared at him cluelessly

"what?"

"YOU MADE ME SHIT MYSELF!!" sasuke stared at him blankly before he burst out laughing

"ever heard of a toilet" he said when he calmed down but naruto looked more pissed

"NO I HAVE NOT!..I mean… OH FUCK YOU!"

"gladly but I think I'll be fucking you" naruto's glare darkened and sasuke fought the urge to whimper and run away

"YOU…YOU BASTARD!!IT"S YOUR FAULT!!"

"HOW IS I +T MY FAULT" he screamed right back

"YOU FUCKED ME TO MANY TIMES" now would have probably been a goo time to realize their door wasn't shut and they were half outside but that's sasuke and naruto for you. So as all konoha stared they continued their little spat.

"WHAT?!"

"you heard me!" naruto snapped "you fucked me too many times and my ass muscles no longer close and my shit went everywhere while I was out for lunch with iruka! And it'.." sasuke once again to began to laugh

"seriously?" naruto glared

"YES!! SO NO MORE SEX!" sasuke's laughter abruptly stopped and he glared growling

"what do you mean no more sex?!" naruto glared and slammed the door in sasuke's face

"exactly what I said, .SEX until my ass goes back to normal!"

"b-but that could take forever"

"well then sasuke looks like your dick has a date with your hand!" naruto snapped, so for the next few weeks all of konoha suffered hell, sure they no l longer had to plug their ears at night but now they had to deal with a very, very livid and sex deprived sasuke, which was way worse, so konoha decide to seek the help of their wonderful hokage

"lady tsunada, you have to fix naruto!"hinata said close to screaming "seriously, .now"

"calm down" sakura said "but she has a point sauke's driving everyone crazy, and trying to kill anyone who looks at him funny or mentions naruto or sex!"

"what's wrong with naruto?"

"you didn't hear, I thought everyone knew" sakura blushed a little not really wanting to say so hinata spoke for her

"sasuke fucked naruto so many times his ass stretched too much and now sasuke doesn't get his kinky hot man smex and is highly pissed ad driving me nuts!" everyone present stared at her stunned so she smiled sweetly "or that's what I heard"

"riiight" sakura said then turned to tsunada "so fix his ass!" tsunada nodded and they all left to naruto's house, who was currently sitting on a toilet because he had turned all his furniture into toilets so he wouldn't have to worry about shitting himself again. Although he almost did anyway when the three women charged into his house looking like they were ready for a battle

"uh…what the hell?!" he screamed as sakura yanked him and hinata tied him down

"tsunada is going to fix you ass!!" she yelled happily

"what noooooo! This is the first time I've eve been able to not be molested! I REFUSE TO LET YOU FIX MY ASS!!" sakura looked at tsunada seriously as naruto pulled away and ran through konoha not caring if anyone saw his naked bottom

"is one man worth the sanity of a village?"

"I'm afraid not" they chased after him enlisting shikamaru's help with his shadow jutsu

"shika you have to bend over with your pants off"

"what?!" he screamed hinata growled and moved towards him menacingly

"do it so naruto will copy you or I swear you'll be a girl when I'm through with you!" he nodded quickly and did as he was told, tsunada leaned over naruto then paused

"I don't wanna touch his ass!" she whined

"do it!" hinata hissed tsunada nodded and poked his butt quickly chakra moving towards him she watched as his muscles rearranged to normal then smiled

"all done….." they all looked at shika who was on the floor groaning

"he forgot to undo it so his ass is really tiny " sakura said laughing hysterically, tsunada watched him before speaking

"are you gay?"

"nooo" he moaned out

"then you will be constipated for awhile, NOW SOMEONE FIND SASUKE!" as if he had been there the whole time he appeared and dragged naruto home half rapping him on the way there and all was right in konoha, they wore earplugs at night, learned a jutsu kept handy at all times, so they lived happily ever after..except for shika who still can't take a numero dos in the bathroom!

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Masochist: well there it is, and yes I realize that this and the intro are probably longer than the story but I don't care it was fun! R&R please if you don't want to you don't have too. Feel free to tell me it sucks I no it does but that's ok cause it's crack! It's not supposed to make sense or be good, see you hopefully in the next one!

Sadist: this is possibly the stupidest thing you've done

Masochist: you know you love it

Sadist: whatever

Masochist: OH YEAH I didn't hear a no! Ja Ne.


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